Monday, September 28, 2009 1:46 AM

Dance is Love. Movement. Energy. Balance. Strength. Soul. Passion. Intimacy. Beauty. Power. Feel it. Get lost in it. Life is but a dance. - GG

Poetry is to prose as dancing is to walking. ~John Wain

I see dance being used as communication between body and soul, to express what is too deep to find for words. ~Ruth St. Denis

And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Dancing can reveal all the mystery that music conceals. ~Charles Baudelaire

You can dance anywhere, even if only in your heart. ~Author Unknown

more about "Revelations", posted with vodpod

How To: Twist Out-WashNGo Medley

Friday, September 25, 2009 11:03 AM


Twist Out/Wash-n-Go Medley

I got a question about the WashnGo remix pic that I recently posted and what my process is and what products I use. I promised that I'd post what I did for this look. My hair routine varies a lot. There are so many factors that come in to play:

Weather: humidity, rain, hot, cold
Time: how much time do I have for my hair to set...i don't have time at night to do the sit under dryer thing
Products: what do i have in stock
Activity: am i going to the gym? work? out for the day with the kids? etc

Leading up to this particular day, I'd been doing twist outs. Lately, after I cowash I will initially do a braid out. After a day or two of that braid out, i will start to twist the hair at night to maintain the style and keep it from drying out and tangling. Plus, twisting is so quick and it's gotten to the point where this only takes about 20-30 minutes. I'll do it while I'm watching one of my shows/reading a book/hanging out with the kids and/or the mister.

So, I'll divide the hair into 5 sections: Front/Top,Left Side,Right Side,Middle/Crown and Back.

I'll spray each section with my water bottle of water, coconut oil and grapeseed oil (this mix varies depending on what I have in stock!) I don't drench the hair at all, I just spray the ends lightly enough that I can run my fingers and then a rat-tail comb through the ends to detangle.

I will then rub some sheabutter/coconut oil mixture into the length of the hair and two strand twist it.

When I get to the end of the twist, I seal the ends with Herbal Essences Long-Term Relationship Leave-In Conditioner and I put a satin roller at the bottom. Occasionally, I don't put the roller but it turns out better when I do.

I usually put two twists each in the Front/Top, Middle/Crown. The Middle/Crown section is thicker and more unruly and the Front/Top is straighter than the rest of my hair. Also, one thing I do differently on the Front/Top section is I twist about have way down and leave the rest out and put the roller on. This hair is much straighter and twists and braids don't have much holding effect there. So there's usually a total of 7 or 8 twists. I sleep on it, take it down in the morning, style and go.

I did this last week pretty much from Wed - Friday I think. I went to bed on Friday night with a ponytail on top of my head. I didn't twist or anything.

Saturday morning, I took my ponytail down and had some waves and curls left, but needed some rejuvenation. So I just went through and the pieces that looked fuzzy I just sprayed with my water bottle and twisted around my finger. I also put some HH LTR Leave-in on the ends of these pieces and wrapped around my finger. I did this all throughout wherever it needed it.

I call this a WashNGo remix b/c I'm wetting the hair to encourage the natural wave/curl pattern to come ou, but I'm not starting from scratch, so I don't have to wet my head very much and my hair feels more moisturized and protected.

Must Have: Styling Combs

Styling combs have become a must-have for me. I'm in love with half-hawks and faux-hawks, and these hold my hair in place without me having to worry about loosening like I did with bobby pins. I just spray the side of my hair with my water bottle, smooth a little shea butter/coconut oil mixture on my edges and brush it back as far as I want and stick the comb in going against the grain of the hair. That's the key to making it hold your hair in the place all day. I love combs because:

~they keep the hair off my face
~they don't damage or pull at my hair
~set it and forget it...they don't get loose throughout the day
~very conducive to neat styles that work well for the day job
~they really support my protective styles.

They support my protective styles for this reason: I've mentioned before that I don't have really thick hair. When I take out my braid outs and twist outs, I have to separate the hair alot and even pick it out with the rat-tail of a comb to give it some volume. This is fine when I'm going out or something, but for work when i'm in my M-F 9-5 routine, I want minimal manipulation. So when I put the combs in, it pushes all the hair together so it looks full and defined without me having to separate the waves at all. Not sure if that makes sense.

This is how it looks when I use the combs and don't separate the waves:

This is how it looks when I separate the waves with my fingers:

This is how it looks when I separate the waves with a rat-tail comb or pick (this is not the best example because for this I only twisted about half way down the hair and rolled the rest, so this is more of a roller set but still it's picked out):

So right now, my must-haves for styling are:
~ shea butter/coconut oil mixture
~ HH LTR Leave-In
~ rollers (satin or sponge rollers with end papers)
~ water bottle mixture
~ rat-tail comb

Love, Talk and Slow Jams

Thursday, September 24, 2009 9:43 PM

I heard this on the radio on my way home tonight and couldn't get enough! I love slow jam throwbacks.

more about "Love, Talk and Slow Jams", posted with vodpod

Pieces of Me - Blindspots and Fun Hair

Wednesday, September 23, 2009 12:43 PM

I have these blind spots, see. I suppose we all do. I can't (won't) see them until someone points them out to me. When these blind spots are pointed out, I usually feel hurt, salty, exposed, misunderstood, guilty, whatever...I could go on...I've got an emotion for everything.

So anyway, being in a relationship is like welcoming someone into your life to constantly point out your blind spots. Sometimes I want to see them, and sometimes I just don't. Sometimes I want to be babied. I want the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes, I want to be allowed to do and say things that would piss me off if they were said or done to me. Sometimes, I want to be faultless. Dammit.

But I do resist. I resist the urge to counter every observation with an observation of my own. I resist the urge to go tit for tat. Grrrrr. This is not easy.

He insists that I see myself even when I don't want to. He doesn't back down or try to protect me from myself. He wrestles with my nerves. Sharpens my awareness of how I affect people. My antagonist and my helper.

I do have these blind spots. I know I do. I'm trying to see them but it hurts my eyes and gives me a headache. I really am working on it though. That's all anyone can do.

Oh. I can see HIS blind spots from a mile away with a blindfold on. Funny how that works.

In other more curly news, I have some pics to share. minimal forehead. waves. curls. shine. fun.

Half-hawk. Hair over left eye like i likes it.

Half-hawk back view.

Half-hawk front. No widow's peak here!

WashnGo Remix

Remix front. Didn't mind the 4head that day b/c it wasn't straight back.

Loving these styling combs!

Good News and Bad News

Monday, September 21, 2009 9:34 PM

Good news:
I have figured out that I really only get tired of my forehead when my hair is straight back and my widow's peak is showing. Minor detail, but realizing it makes me feel very content for some reason. I took some pictures of a couple of hair days that reminded me of why I love being natural.

Bad news:
I don't have my USB cable with me today. I'll post the pics tomorrow.

Good news:
As if they heard my cries, the Black Girl with Long Hair girls just posted about fairy knots. It's nice to get some more advice and to hear accounts of other women that have been attacked by fairies. mane and chic recently posted about split ends and there is very helpful information there, as well. Thanks ladies. Keep giving the people what they want.

Bad news:
They noted that as the hair gets longer, it's bound to get more of these fairy knots. I want a magical, guaranteed solution and I still haven't found one (other than relaxing and that's not going to happen). Maybe I'll do some research on what I can put in my hair to keep the fairies kryptonite for fairies ....

...or in the next few weeks, I'll get a major trim and do a better job of sealing my ends every night. Probably the latter.

Good news:
I get several email newsletters with positive affirmations and messages everyday. Two of my favies today were about self-love. This is the secret to everything. If I never teach my children anything else, I will bend over backwards to teach them to love themselves and to look inside for their joy.

Here's an excerpt from the Goddess newsletter that had me feeling like "warm and feminine divinity" (and what girl doesn't want to feel like warm and feminine divinity???)

Reconnect With Your Inner Venus

Think about how you are sitting right now as you read this. Are you hunched? Are you frowning? Are you distracted? Is this the body language you want others to be exposed to? Is this the energy you want to exude? If not, allow yourself to embody Venus' vibration, be conscious of your desire to radiate magnetism, and ooze warm and feminine divinity.

Honour the gifts of the senses ~
~play a song that makes you go weak at the knees
~put a loved one's clothing to your nose and inhale their scent
~flick through a photo album that brings tears of joy to your eyes
~place a chocolate in your mouth and let it melt melt melt all over your tongue
~dress up at least once a week in your "Sunday best"
~rub some peppermint oil into your feet and pamper yourself with a foot (and hand) massage

This may be all the love spell you need... embody love, become love, attract love.

Bad news:
When you truly and faithfully love yourself, you can't always please everyone. As a longtime people-pleaser, this is tough for me. It's always been my self-imposed responsibility to make everyone around me feel comfortable.

Although my focus has changed, I think that the more comfortable I am with myself, the more I allow others to be comfortable naturally without tension or pretenses. That's good news, actually.

Love, Hugs and Venus vibrations,

Monday Lovefest

9:24 AM

Happy Monday.
Let's decide right now to have a productive week full of
accomplishment, conviction, generosity and good hair days.

The abundance you desire to experience must first be an experience in your mind.

Open your mind, heart and soul to accept that it is the Creator's will for you to have plenty. How else can the creative force glorify itself? If you are expressing lack, how can you express faith and love? Today, continuously affirm, "My income exceeds my outgo." As you affirm, know that you are receiving substantial increase in your income. It will exceed your greatest expectations. It will exceed all of your financial commitments. You have plenty to spare. New doors of opportunity are opening to you. New ideas are pouring forth. As you open your mind to except your glorious new good, you find new ways to express faith and love. Abundance may be experience for you, but if you open your mind, you will come to understand that the creative source finds great pleasure in giving you plenty.

I am an abundant being experiencing the gift of plenty.

~author unknown

Catching up with Myself

Friday, September 18, 2009 4:04 PM

I haven't posted all week and I miss myself so much! My goal is post everyday even if it's just a thought. Even though I haven't posted here, I got A LOT of writing done this week. Query letter to Essence, guest posts to a couple of other blogs, rolling out a new feature for PLPT next week. Very exciting things for me. Again, it's about the process not necessarily the results. With each effort, I feel myself growing and becoming less afraid to create.

Since I've been away all week, I have many random thoughts to pour out of myself.

Not to beat a dead horse, but I have to add my two cents on the Kanye spectacle. I know what Kanye did was ignorant and ridiculous, and I was just as annoyed with him as anyone else. But, I think Kanye has some major issues that he needs to figure out in his life. There's a saying that "People who behave the worst need the most healing". Kanye needs some healing. Instead of sending hate his way, I'm sending love and prayers. I'm a big fan of his work, so I really want to like him as a person, too. (Note to self: Why am I always drawn to people with issues though??)

Knots!!!! OK what is up with all the knots. I learned on Curly Nikki that the knots I speak of are called fairy knots and they are very common in natural hair. It's when a single strand wraps around itself and forms a knot towards the end of the strand. I find myself looking for them and cutting them out all the time. Nikki offers some advice on how to manage them, here.

I have always been a person who has to learn from my own experience. True to form, I had to discover for myself why I should stop using products with mineral oil and petrolatum. Well, I'm not going to completely stop, but I will be more aware going forward. I'm head over heels in love with coconut oil, particularly coconut oil mixed with shea butter. This is the perfect moisturizer for my hair. I can tell that my hair really absorbs it, and it's the only thing that has kept me from drying out. Products with mineral oil do not keep my hair moisturized and they cause it to feel "residuey" faster.

As I'm doing my daughter's hair, I think about how my hair was as a child. There's just something different about raw, natural hair that has not been straightened or chemically-treated. Although I am natural now, my texture has most certainly changed. I suppose that years and years of straightening my hair with chemicals and heat just has an overall effect on one's hair. That's so fascinating to me though because how can these things affect hair that hasn't even grown out of your head yet? I know someone else has thought about that before besides me. Hmph.

You know what? Everything you don't know yet is difficult because you don't know it yet, not because you can't know it. Starting a business seems like such an undertaking (and it is) but when you break it down into manageable steps, it's just like anything else. When I start a job or a class, they always tell me exactly what I need to learn and how to learn it. So for me to have my own business, I have to do that for myself.

I read this and it reminded me of myself - "Everywhere I have sought rest and not found it except sitting in a corner by myself with a little book."

I admire both Kerry and Teyana's hair all the time, but is it even real? I tend to be naive when it comes to that. I want to know how to get the big waves like Teyana's in this pic.

photo credit: YBF

Finally, here are some pics of this week's hair.

Oh, one last thing:

I was featured on UrbanCurlz (writing) and HoneyBrownSugar (hair) this week.

Back to Basics

Monday, September 14, 2009 11:35 AM

It's so important to center yourself and consistently revisit your reasons for everything you do, think and say. This is why I love writing. Feelings can be so fleeting and situation based that often we can't remember why we felt the way we did at any given time. I'm feeling so positive and magical today that it's hard for me to recall why I was feeling some kinda way about my hair on Saturday.

In hindsight, I can see that over the past few months I've become very influenced by all of the natural hair forums and blogs that I've discovered. The influence is overwhelmingly positive, but as I so often do without even realizing it, I started attaching myself to an idea or image and I started clinging to it. When I'm clinging to this idea of what my hair should look like as a natural girl, and how I should wear my hair to reflect all that I've learned about hair care, I start to feel boxed in again. And just like that, I'm criticizing my hair and feeling smothered by what I can and can't do with it. Tomfoolery. The only restrictions are the ones I put on myself.

OK. I really thought I was so over creating definitions for myself. "I am so tired of the damn box..." "I have the flexibility to be wavy, curly, bushy, sleek, straight, wild or tame..." "I want my decisions to feel right for me in my heart and soul..." "The process taught me that I don't have to fit into a category or maintain an image that I think people will approve of or expect from me. I can be gloriously unpredictable and free to explore any possibility that I choose...."

Was that me who said all those liberating things? Um yeah. So, every now and then I must remind myself of my own words and put temporary thoughts and their residual emotional escapades in their place. This reminds me to always dig a little bit deeper when things upset me. The true reason for the upset is very rarely what it seems to be on the surface. Usually it has something to do with some kind of attachment to something. An outcome, an appearance, a feeling, a whim, a desire, a hairstyle (lol).

What I've learned is this - when I become overly attached to things - I whine, I suffer and I sulk and none of these things are a good look for me or a good use of my time. So, today's post is about getting back to the basics of being happy, free and content in my own label-free, ain't no jive, lovefest of a life. It's nice to be back!

(Re: the following excerpt ~ I didn't write this, but I'm not sure who did. It's from those Motivation emails that circulate the email universe. You know the ones.)

Be happy to give of yourself, and you'll be happy. Be happy to make the effort, and you'll be happy.

Be happy about working through the challenges, and you'll be happy. Be happy for the opportunity to transform problems into achievements, and you'll be happy.

Happiness does not come when you try to obtain it. Happiness is a quality that you can choose to add to any experience.

Happiness does not come from arranging your circumstances in a certain way. Rather, happiness is a very powerful, effective and delightful way to relate to any set of circumstances.

Be happy to be living this moment. And not only will you be happy, you'll also be creative and effective and purposefully focused.

Choose to add your very own happiness to the ups and downs and ins and outs of life. Be happy for no reason and for every reason, and experience life at its best.


Saturday, September 12, 2009 9:11 PM

I went to my baby cousin's birthday party today and all the women had straight hair. I felt a twinge of something. So, I tried to figure out what that twinge was about. A couple of the women commented on how much they liked my hair. They looked at my hair the way I felt I was looking at theirs. Funny. This was following a morning where I was already having hair envy. I took my braids out this morning and it just wasn't....big enough :-/ And I'm getting tired of looking at my forehead. As I processed all these hair-related feelings throughout the day, this is what I came up with:

1. I miss wearing my hair straight because I would typically swoop the front to cover my forehead and therefore I see less of my head and my face. I can't have my hair in my face too much when I wear it natural. The products break me out.

2. My hair is not super thick. I can make it look thick but the strands are thin. I'm still learning what styles my hair can actually pull off. Instead of getting frustrated when it doesn't come out the way someone else's did, I need to continue to learn MY hair and what styles I like best on it.

3. As long as I wear my hair in protective styles MOST of the time, I'm going to wear it straight when I feel like it. Maybe once a month. I still like my hair straight as long as it's not BONE straight. And true to my hair chameleon nature, I just can't wear it curly all the time. When I do, I start to find fault in it. But it's not the hair, it's me.

4. I need to stop feeling guilty about wearing my hair straight. Where is that coming from? I know this much is true: At times I feel guilty because my hair looks relaxed when I wear it straight and I don't want anyone to think my hair is relaxed. Weird! I really don't understand why I feel that way, I just know that I do. Why does it matter? I need to sort that out.

Naturally Leslie wrote an insightful article about hair envy for The Coil Review's September issue. That was right on time for me this evening :)

Random Friday Thoughts and a Length Check

Friday, September 11, 2009 6:51 PM

Food for Thought:

Children are spontaneous. They do what they feel like doing. They jump up and down, wiggle and run when they feel like it. Early on they are taught to conform, to hold back their impulses and blend in, so that by the time they are adults most if not all of their spontaneity is neatly hidden. I don't want to stifle my kids' spirits. Matter of fact, I'd like some of it to rub off on me.

I have a closet full of clothes that suddenly don't look they belong to me at all. It's time to make a big donation to the Goodwill and get back to the basics.

I'm noticing that I've seen major improvement in some of my life circumstances, and in others not so much. But whatever I go through, because of my commitment to be responsible for my own happiness - most things are just easier. My ability to roll with what comes my way has improved, and I trust this new woman I see in the mirror. Nice.

Length Check:

OK. Here is the length, blown out, about 6 months since the last of the relaxer was cut out.

Hair One Results - Mini Me

Wednesday, September 9, 2009 4:40 PM

Like I said yesterday, my daughter's hair really loved the Hair One cleanser. Normally, her hair gets so dry and brittle when I shampoo it. I've been using sulfate shampoo up until now and I see a major, undeniable difference. Never again!

No dream is bigger than it's dreamer

Tuesday, September 8, 2009 9:38 AM

I had to share another post I read that was written of course just pour moi. I mean, this is the exact vibe that I have been on this year, and of course I want everyone to be on it with me! I'm training my mind to think about what I can do instead of what I can't do. When you find something to be passionate about, it consumes your mind which allows less room for your problems and difficulties.

I've pasted in an excerpt from Zen Habits below. Very inspiring!! Thanks Leo!

Do Interesting Things

We live in interesting times. We’re blessed that way.

The world is changing rapidly.

The way we work is changing, the way we live has already changed. Entire industries are crumbling, and more are growing on their ruins. People are empowered to express themselves, to create, to become a part of a global conversation and transformation, in a way that has never existed before.

What will you do with that?

What will your place be in this new, interesting world? Will you have a voice? Will you be a creator, or just a consumer?

Do something.

Do something interesting.

Be a part of the conversation, and say something remarkable. Create something unique, new, beautiful. Build upon the works of others and transform it into your own.

How to do this? Click here to read the rest of the call to action!

Desperately Seeking Me

9:36 AM

There comes a time when you stop trying to be cool.

I’ve reached it. I’m not saying that I don’t prefer to be liked and admired, because annoyingly I do. However, I will say that I have thoroughly exhausted all efforts towards pretending to be something I am not in order to please the masses. I‘ve always tried to fit in, even with my harshest critic.

Who might that be? Me, of course.

I’m over it. I’m taking a bow, exiting the stage and taking on a new role for the second act of my life. I realize that I am still the same person, but I have learned how to be me without the conditions. I don’t have to hide my realities in self-defeating attempts to decrease my burden on the world. On the contrary, the world needs to hear my story.

I always allowed my inner world to be determined by the outer world. I felt a huge responsibility to live up to people’s expectations. I sabotaged any opportunities that required me to expose my unexplored true self. I told myself that I wasn’t good enough and something was wrong with me. And I smiled and put on a happy face.

Life hurts when you live this way.

It’s a wonder that I held on to this false image for so long. Still, the representation was more attractive than its shadow, and certainly more familiar. In other words, I chose the pain because it was all I knew. Think about the mentality of someone who is abused. I believed that my life was so painful because I deserved it. I thought that with enough determination, I could overcome my flawed identity and finally be worthy of happiness and success in life.

I don’t know where I got the idea that happiness has to be earned.

No one ever taught me that the key to happiness and success in life is simply being true to myself. It’s free. It doesn’t depend on external factors. It comes naturally. Fortunately, learning this privileged information allows me to let everyone off the hook. Feel free to like me. Don’t like me. Approve or disapprove. What, me worry? We all have our choices to make. In this much anticipated second act, I choose to heal, and I choose to speak from my heart about the peaks and valleys of my self-discovery. I embrace this posture not only for my own benefit, but for anyone else that my words touch who might be suffering from self-denial and hopelessness.

You are not alone.

Hair One Results

9:11 AM

I like this stuff. You have to use a lot to feel like it's getting all the way through your hair, though. I will post pics of my baby's hair tomorrow or later on, but I have a few pics of how mine came out. When I say I like it, I wish I could give more of a reason why, but mostly I just like it because my hair didn't feel stripped. On my daughter's hair I really like it because it was noticeably softer and more manageable. Sulfate shampoo makes her hair extremely dry and brittle. Never again!

I did my usual braid-out routine, but no products with mineral oil this time. One of the things on my list this week is to research why it's such a bad thing. I think it has to do with smothering the hair or something, but I need to find out the facts. So this week I lathered the Cantu Shea Butter Leave in all over. Separated into sections and put in a mixture of 100% coconut oil and shea butter and braided it in about 8 braids. My hair and skin loved this stuff. Sunshine makes a heavenly mixture called Coconut Confidence that her readers are raving about. It's worth checking out and supporting a sista's business. I really like her blog. Very encouraging and inspiring for transitioners.

Anyway, here are the first day results and then the bun that resulted from me sweating my hair out a bit. :-P

Hair Day

Saturday, September 5, 2009 9:06 AM

Today is hair day for me and my mini-me. I bought a new shampoo at the hair store yesterday called Hair One. Keep it Simple Sista uses it, so I thought I'd give it a try. Reading this article on UrbanCurlz about pH balance in the hair really made me think about how your hair experience can be so drastically different if you take the time to understand why your hair does what it does and what ingredients and products bring the best out of it. It's all starting to make sense. I also have to figure out what works for not only my hair, but my daughter's hair which has different needs.

I didn't start this site with the intention of providing extensive product reviews and tutorials. There are so many more experienced bloggers out there already doing that. I'm just sharing my story for what it is.

With that said, I'll post about how we like Hair One later :)

The Law of Attraction

Friday, September 4, 2009 9:52 AM

I woke up this morning with my mind stayed on positivity and purpose. Sure enough, forces are already working in my favor to send me more affirmative energy. One of the first things I looked at this morning was the latest post from Change your Thoughts where Steven Aitchison is talking about The Law of Attraction. This was written just for me today. Here's an excerpt:

5 Steps to using the Law of Attraction

1. Plant the seed
I would write a list out of the things you really want in life, no more than 10 items on the list. Then, put them in order of importance to you.

2. Water the seed
From the list you made, take the most important and start thinking about it. when I say thinking about it, take 5 minutes and imagine what it is like having it in your life, see it, who is there with you? what are the surroundings like? what does it feel like? really get into it as if you had it in your life already. Keep doing this for as long as it takes until the dream becomes so big you have to do something about it.

3. Taking action
Now the dream has grown as big as it can in your mind it’s time to take action on it. If your goal is to become a writer, start writing immediately. Don’t worry if you are no good at writing just now, the only way to become good at writing is to write. Don’t analyze, don’t study, just write. When you keep writing you will want to learn more about the craft. This is when you start reading other writers you admire and look at their style, but keep writing.

4. Keep going
Using the example above if you keep writing every day and have studied your favourite authors you will start to develop a writing style, your own voice. This is the point a lot of people give up. They have gotten so close to their goal but they give up at the crucial point. This is also the point that you will start to see, seemingly, strange coincidences in your life. You will start to notice flyers for writers groups in your area, you will see ads for freelance writers, you will be asked for help from other aspiring writers etc. This is when you know that what you are doing is right and it fuels you even more to continue with your goal.

5. Look at your other goals
Some goals will take a long time, like the example above, other goals might happen a lot quicker depending on what they are. You will also notice that from the list of 10 goals you had, some of them will have started happening for you, simply because you have started using the law of attraction and you are automatically using it on a daily basis.
Using an example from my own life. 6 weeks ago I decided that I really wanted to grow my blog and make a real go of making it big in blogging. I started writing every single day. Nothing much happened at first but I kept going. Then I noticed an ad for a blogging bootcamp run by a famous blogger, after that everything started taking off and I now have a part time paid position with a big blog, have written and published a few freelance articles and have had a lot of requests for help. It really does work, the trick is to persevere and to help others along the way.

I know that anything I sincerely pursue with honest intentions will be to my greatest good. I'm not attached to any outcome, I'm only attached to writing. So, I'm going to keep doing it and doing it and loving it and loving me.

The Valley

Wednesday, September 2, 2009 12:27 PM

I’ve been through the valleys of addiction, self-loathing, guilt and depression. I tried to dress the valley up, adorn it and make it sexy. It was the least I could do. I didn’t have the social boldness to risk making everyone uncomfortable by freely admitting my confusion. I was addicted to being a victim of my circumstances…addicted to being misunderstood and judged. Secretly, believing that whatever I did was not good enough, that people would not like me if I really expressed myself and that I was selfish, lazy and incompetent. Unconsciously creating the same destructive situations in my life by clinging to crippling, naive ideas. Wanting to mean something…to stand for something… but finding nothing but lack and artificial dreams that I’d stolen from others. So much darkness and misdirection behind the closed doors of shame. Nowhere else to go. Swallowed up.

I had tried everything from drugs and alcohol to retail therapy and recklessness, and nothing got me high or pretty enough to ignore the pain. The safe haven of my dogmatic beliefs no longer validated my purpose for being alive. Without inward validation, I had searched for it in the world. And like any self-serving pusher, it gave it to me when it felt like it and took it away when I wanted it too much. Rejected by the world, aka Myself, I fell on my knees, searching for God, and I found truth. Curled up in a ball on the floor, begging for enlightenment, I found unconditional love. I found purpose in my suffering. I found an inner flame that would consume old beliefs and negative thinking to allow a new me to be born.

“It is most often suffering that kindles love,
loss that deepens understanding,
hurt that opens the eyes of the heart
that see forgiveness as a way of life and
peace of mind as our birthright.”

~ Fire in the Soul by Joan Borysenko, Ph.D.