Wednesday, July 18, 2012 5:45 PM
We talked about having kids. Who they would look like and how we would raise them. Despite our risky behavior, it seemed like such an improbable concept. Kids? Maybe one day. Not now. I was still figuring out why I even liked this guy so much. He was rough around the edges. He dropped out of college and didn't have a plan. But I was not thinking about stability at the time. He was a fun escape from a heartbreak that had taken its toll on me.
We were so young. Our first kiss was the result of a drunken truth or dare game. It was the first of many. I liked the way he would sneak up behind me and kiss me on the neck. And how when I looked at him, he would already be looking at me. Butterflies. We'd say serious things to each other but continue to insist that it wasn't serious. We were only a couple when we were together. We dated other people. We played games. It was easy but it was hard and I thought I was okay with it until I got pregnant.
That was 10 years ago. We're still together. I still catch him looking at me and he still gives me surprise neck kisses that send tingles down my spine. We have three babies. We know who we are and who we aren't. We're settled. But when I look at him, I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't gotten pregnant. Would we have tried so hard to make it work? Would we still have picked each other?
I guess I feel robbed. Like I'll never have that moment of feeling...chosen.
Chosen by way of free will decision, not by responsibility or obligation.
During our hard times, I've felt more like a default option. The mom that comes with the kids.
During good times, I've felt like the best thing that ever happened to him. Which is what he tells me. But my mind still doubts.
And I don't know what to do about that. The kisses help, but still, they are not quite enough.