Friday, July 27, 2012 3:47 PM
Maybe she was wrong. Maybe she wasn't. She knew he'd end up wanting more than she could give him, but sometimes she just needed an audience. She was tired of being set aside and misunderstood.
She would call him and before she could say "come get me", he would say that he was on his way. He was always the perfect escape at the perfect time. She knew that he would see in her what she wanted him to see. It was easy to captivate him. She knew that for weeks after he would send texts and emails telling her how her lips felt and how her words enlightened him and lingered in his mind.
This made her feel alive and wanted. A break from feeling unsure and unappreciated.
Maybe she was wrong for leading him on. But she didn't set out to cause pain. She really thought his love would heal her. Instead, it smothered her.
She didn't understand. Was she damaged? Was she only able to connect with other damaged souls? What kind of person only feels at home in chaos? Or only feels passion in the midst of crisis? When the answers didn't come fast enough, she'd make the call. And again, he would come.
He held on to the days and nights they spent. He'd watch her open up and then shut down. Her inconsistency made him want her more. Something about her attention made him feel super human, so he savored whatever she was able to give. Deep down, he knew that she would never be his. So for as long as he could, he decided to be where she needed him to be. He felt a duty to her that he couldn't explain.
In the end, he asked if she had ever loved him. She did. She adored him. But she adored him for his love of her. For making her feel safe and rescuing her when she got too close to the ledge. She loved him for reacting to her so shamelessly and noticing everything about her. Giving her everything that she'd been missing even when she wasn't able to reciprocate.
No matter how she tried, she couldn't give him what she still held in her heart for someone else.