35 Seasons

Saturday, August 25, 2012 6:00 PM

31 years old with bestie (transitioning)

 My birthday is coming up this Fall, and I'm starting to get reflective.  I'll be 35.  Sometimes I feel old and sometimes I feel young.  At this point, I think I'll feel that duality until I leave this place.  I love the silly and the carefree in life too much to ever take myself too seriously for any extended amount of time.  Those times when I'm feeling old?  It's because I'm taking myself too seriously. 

|You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair. ~Douglas MacArthur|

Before I ever knew what a blog was, I was a photo album fanatic.  I took pictures of everything and couldn't wait to get the film developed and displayed in an album.  Needless to say, times have changed.  The other night, I wanted to cuddle up and reminisce over some photos of the last ten years and found that most of them were saved to an online account instead of a tangible album.  This made it much easier to share a few with you. 

My other half, who is very anti-social media, would find this quite disturbing.  He doesn't understand how or why I post personal photos online and interact with people online who I can't see. I know where he's coming from, but I'm grown.  So, here we are. 

24 years old with my first munchkin (relaxed)
I'd be lying if I said I didn't care about the physical aspects of aging.  I always want to look younger than my actual age.  I do.  I have a sister who is in her late forties and easily passes for 30 years old.  Looking at her, I know what 50 can look like and I want that.  Vain?  Sure.  What about being healthy and of sound mind and all that?  Of course those things are more important.  Absolutely.  Fa sho.  But to be 50 and look 30 would be haught

I've become much more health conscious in my thirties, because I want to age healthily and be agile and active for years and years and years to come.  And wear cute clothes.  And have good sex.  Even when I'm a grandma.

27 years old pregnant with Ravy Sparkles (relaxed)

While I see some natural physical changes occuring over the years, it's the personal growth from my twenties to my thirties that has been staggering.  My early twenties were exploratory and irresponsible.  My mid-twenties were full of crisis and contradiction.  I made sure that things seemed okay on the surface, but behind the scenes - it was messy.  28 and 29 were painful.   I couldn't find many pictures of myself from those years.  Mostly the kids. 

Things have been looking up since 30.  Right now, I'm staring down 35 and refusing to be defined by it.  I'm just happy to be here and to be awake.  Still many more discoveries to make and iterations of myself to evolve into. 

|The sun shines different ways in summer and winter. We shine different ways in the seasons of our lives. ~Terri Guillemets|

30 years old with another bestie (still transitioning!)
As women, many of us put timelines on ourselves which usually serve to bring us down when they're not met.  Career and family goals, financial goals.  "By this age, I want to have accomplished this, this and this...."  

Do you do that?  What do you think would happen if you let those expectations go, and allowed yourself to be open and willing to experience each moment, each day, each year without judgment?

A big part of this is getting comfortable with uncertainty.  Being okay with whatever space you are occupying at the current moment.  You might now know what the hell you are doing with your life, but you are here.  So, just breathe and sit with yourself and absorb what you are experiencing so you can learn from it and eventually teach from it.  Be humble and faithful through your questioning years.

|There are years that ask questions and years that answer. ~Zora Neale Hurston|