The Bright Side of Life

Thursday, August 23, 2012 1:35 PM

Snippets from my life this week
I'm back on my feet now, getting around and getting out and about.  I haven't felt this rested in a long time.  Yet I can't shake the feeling that I'm behind on many things that I could have been doing instead of resting.  I'm sure you know the feeling.  There's still so much laundry, so much studying, so much writing to do.  Catching up with friends and family.  Tackling home projects.  Working on my book.  Oh and my photo challenge - what happened to that?  (I will be playing catch up on that in case you missed the update here.)
This morning I woke up and decided to stop the madness.  To stop badgering myself and just ride. In The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle says, "To stay present in everyday life, it helps to be deeply rooted within yourself; otherwise, the mind, which has incredible momentum, will drag you along like a wild river."
This is exactly what's been happening with me since I had Sky baby two years ago.  I've been very overwhelmed with my life since then.   I have moments of peace and clarity - particularly when I write or when I'm spending time with my girlfriends - but when I'm alone and my thoughts get loud, I struggle to quiet them.
Further, he says "Not to be able to stop thinking is a dreadful affliction, but we don't realize this because almost everybody is suffering from it, so it is considered normal. This incessant mental noise prevents you from finding that realm of inner stillness that is inseparable from Being."
Speaking of stillness...  As I'm typing this, I'm sitting on my front porch, no wait, it's a stoop.  Drinking iced coffee.  Listening to the sounds of crickets and birds.  Looking overhead and hoping that I don't get pooped on. Thankful that I can run and jump and dance.  Breathing the fresh air. It's a beautiful, sunny day and it deserves my attention.  I have a whole beautiful life that deserves my attention.  It's sad that sometimes I don't feel present for it because I'm distracted by the constant searching that goes on in my mind. 
The searching has a lot to do with having a mother with schizophrenia and how I deal with it.  I've allowed it to add a layer of complexity to my life where I'm constantly evaluating my mental and emotional health to make sure I'm not losing myself.  This unnecessary vigilance has superceded my need for stillness and presence.  How did that happen?  Where is the freedom in that? 
Does this make sense?  I'm realizing that everything doesn't have to make sense.  How brilliant.  So brilliant that I think the sun just started shining even brighter.