To Feel or Not to Feel

Tuesday, September 11, 2012 12:13 PM


I'm not supposed to be here, but I need a moment.  How many days can you go without your fix?  After a couple days I start to feel a little edgy, a little cranky. 

I ask myself - what am I doing wrong with my life that I feel the need to supress my desire to write?  So that I can study for an exam to further a career that I don't really want.  Awesome strategy.  The resistance I feel when I sit down to study for the exam is tellling.  It doesn't feel right.  I should be doing work that makes the world makes sense to me.  The more I realize this, the more I feel like a poser going through the motions and collecting a check.

The other day, one of my work lovies said to me "You have a gift and your talent is being wasted here."  At first, I felt myself get a little defensive and I started thinking of ways in which my talents are being used and I'm being compensated for it.  It was so abrupt, like damn.  Hello.  Did she just give me a sneaky wake the fuck up slap? 

But she's right.  I could be doing more with myself.  My day job does not suck, but the best parts of it are the things I don't get paid for like mentoring and developing people. This is a theme with me.  I mean not getting paid for what I love to do.  It's a defense.  Maybe I'm trying to enjoy my creativity without the pressure of selling it.  Purely me.  No one else's agenda.  Nothing wrong with that.  But if that's what I want, why do I go to work everyday and feel so out of place and underutilized?  Obviously, my insides are telling me that I want more.

Getting paid to do something that comes from your heart is intense.  What if the money changes the flow?  What if the pressure makes the gift feel like a chore?  That's my anxiety talking.  When you're not emotionally attached to your job, it's easier to just do the damn thing and go home.  Wam bam.  You tell yourself that it's just a job and that you have a life outside of work unlike many of your colleagues who obviously don't.  But what happens when your love and your passion and your life and your work all get wrapped up together?  Then what?   How does that feel? 

Right now, it feels scary.  Eventually, when I'm done dry humping and holding myself back,  it will feel orgasmic.  I just know it.